breathe in, breathe out

Posted on March 19, 2009


i’m a little stressed.

you can usually tell the level of my stress by my ability to form coherent thoughts and/or worry about grammatical errors. obviously, a post sans capitalization will irritate some of those holier-than-thou grammar fiends, but i’m not concerned.

i have too much on my mind too worry about capitalization.

it’s not earth-shattering by any means. looking around at other blogs & social networking sites it’s obvious my problems are small compared to what others are facing. however, this does not change the fact that i have this persistent tension in the nape of my neck that usually, at some point of the day, transfers itself to the base of my skull in a pounding headache.

you see, russ & i are moving.

it’s no secret – we’ve already posted about it on twitter & facebook & well…you know how those things go. it’s not official until posted on facebook, right?  right. or something.

so why are we moving? well…put simply, God.

this past summer russ & i were hit with the realization that we can no longer be comfortable and expect to be used. we knew from the deepest part of our beings God was calling us out into something big & new & different & challenging. at the time, we thought it was moving west – san diego to be exact. but over the course of this past year, God has been breaking our hearts for a city no more than an hour away from where we are now.


even though it’s not that far, this is still a big move for us. when we first got married, we settled down in central texas & assumed this is where we would be forever. then things started getting weird & we started getting restless & boom! God pushed our wavering bodies off the fence.

so here we are. spring break ’09 & looking for a place to lay our heads once May 1 comes around. russ starts culinary school the 18th & our prayer is to be in the big city before that date.

easier said than done.

have you looked at apartments recently? so many things to consider.

location. amenities. safety. proximity to entertainment. gas or electric. garden tub or walk in shower. north or south. 1 bedroom or 2 bedroom.

i mean really. i just want a safe place that’s quasi-nice & has an incredible community. you know – one of those eclectic places you only hear about where suddenly everyone becomes friends? yeah. that’s what i’m looking for. that’s what i’m praying for.

the only problem is my own prefabricated expectations on where to live and how to live. russ & i have been pretty spoiled these last couple of years. we live in the nicest apartment complex in the area & we don’t have to pay that much for it – considering the equivalents elsewhere. we are one of “those” couples who live behind a gated community where it’s safe to walk by myself at night. heck. it’s safe to walk around the community at night.

i grew up in san antonio. i know how intense it can get at times. i think i am just having to separate my life as it has been from my life as it will be. all of these creature comforts i have grown accustomed to. are they a necessity? truly? if you know me, you know that i would hope to consider myself not as high maintenance as the other girl – but this past week you would think otherwise.

i don’t know. i guess it’s just going to take some serious prayer & a rush of peace for me to commit to a place. our first nightmare of an apartment has left me a bit timid when committing to living somewhere.

so we are headed back tomorrow to the big ATX – hoping to find a place that hasn’t shut down in order to celebrate the beloved south by – and in turn finding a place we can lovingly call home. feel free to say a prayer for us. either that or leave a comment suggestion of a place we should check out. we are all ears. seriously.

i was talking to my sister last night & she said something that has really stuck with me today. she’s in this place where she isn’t sure where she is going or what she is doing. i asked if she knew anything & she said, “well, i do know that i am supposed to stay at _____ if i want to be comfortable.”

intense. and so true. over the past few weeks, as our plans have continued to finalize & we have actually begun to step out & actively search His will, His presence has become more & more palpable – and the comfort we normally feel has slowly diminished into an annoying whine. it’s hard to explain. moving is the one thing we know we are supposed to do – but if we could – we would stick to where we are. i know we would. why? because this past fall russ & i were talking about the possibility of branching out & seeing what God had in store for us – and he said, “it’s going to take me losing my job for me to be willing to leave…”

he knew we were supposed to go somewhere….he knew God was calling us out….but there was still a relunctance.

russ was forced to resign almost two months ago.

so. here we are. pushed out of our comfort zones & in full reliance on Christ. i have to say, it’s exciting & absolutely breathtaking to see how many young couples are actually in the exact same position we are in right now. God’s doing something in the church – i can feel it. he’s drawing us to a more tangible relationship with him where our faith is not comfortable. stress levels may rise, and i may wanna pull my hair out by the end of the day, but i know he’s got something in store for my love & me.

i just need to breathe.